is questioning whether you’re unlovable fundamental to the female experience?
20th March 2026
Reading through my writing notes recently, I found several excerpts all grouped underneath a similar title - each having been written after whatever dating situation I had going on at that particular time had come to an end. The person and the set of circumstances was different each time, yet the lingering feeling remained consistent. Let’s delve in.
Excerpt no.1 - I’ve been single for a hot minute
'After having now been single for a while, I can’t help but question why my dating life has been nightmare-ish, when some people seem to fall from relationships to relationship at rapid succession, like where are you finding these people? Whilst one may assume that my standards are astronomically high, looking at the stats and facts, I would beg to differ.
Obviously, there are many factors at play, the last thing I wanted after my 5-year relationship ended was to be with another man, so I've spent the best part of the subsequent five years enjoying the freedom of being on my own. Add into the mix: travelling the world for a couple years, moving across the globe (and from state to state within that country) and taking a year out of dating (I won’t go into that), it doesn’t really create a feasible environment to finding the love of your life.'
Excerpt no.2 - “but you can get anyone you want”
'Honestly, if I had a dollar for every time someone told me this or “it’ll come when you least expect it” or “you've just got put yourself out there more”, I could quit my job. All of the above are FALSE. Can we stop saying this to single people please.'
Excerpt no.3 - I know… but I don’t…
'I know that none of these things have anything to do with me and everything to do with him. And I know, objectively it’s a blessing in disguise. And I know it would’ve gotten complicated. And I know he’s really not that hot. And I know that I romanticised most of it in my head. I know I know and I know. And yet, I’m still disappointed.
When someone doesn’t grant you certainty, you fill in the blanks yourself, you second guess, catastrophize and subsequently obsess over the idea of them, and the possibility of an us, even more. This cyclical pattern in dating is apparent: I make whatever romantic interest I have in front of me fit exactly into the way I want them to - based on my own narrative instead of reality. I'm aware that it’s harmful, but I go ahead and do it anyway. Why?'
The narrative is always the damn same -
These three excerpts were all written at different times. Now I’m 25, my thinking has somewhat shifted in some of these areas; namely, I no longer find myself over-analysing every thing I ever say or do within a dating context in attempt to pin down the exact moment that everything went tits up (thankfully). But, in my naturally reflective nature, I still can’t help but ask the looming questions: what is it about me? and why is the narrative always the damn same?
Surely we can’t all be unloveable?
I don’t tend to fall down the ‘I’m going to be alone forever’ rabbit hole these days, but that dull wonder of whether I’m just unlovable has crept up once more whether I like it or not. And I know I’m not alone in this feeling. Why does it almost seem a natural response for women to assume they’re unlovable when a person ghosts or breaks up with them and not for men? I have heard countless women, whether that’s in film, media, the internet and in my personal life, question what is wrong with them, but seldom, if ever, a man.
As women, if a situation ends badly, we oftentimes automatically assume accountability, even if we know the other person is objectively in the wrong. 'It just must be me': something I’ve done, some requirement I’ve unknowingly not met, in order to be enough. It can take a lot of personal growth to recognise not everything is about you and when to accept accountability for your own bad behaviour, but not for someone else’s shitty actions.
Okay, but why?
I know in myself that I am more than enough for the right person, but it’s still interesting to question why it is that we question that.
Naturally, it all stems from idea that, as a woman, there is an underlying social (which leads into biological) obligation to be with someone. Regarding fertility and reproduction, if a woman has been single for years and years, then something must be up, the clock is ticking after all. Whereas for a man, whilst it might be undesirable from a dating prospect if they've never been in a relationship before, they don't face the same contempt socially. The semantics we use when discussing gender, love and dating, naturally and historically differs between men or women, and this topic is no exception; take, for example, the terms 'silver fox' and 'spinster', and the opposite connotations they carry.
It's 2026, so it is normal (and even desired now) for a woman to focus on her career, personal success and friendships without getting judged for not placing men above all else - i.e. the whole 'de-centring' men movement on social media at the moment - however, these judgements do still occur, just more subtly.
In my personal life, most people know me well enough to avoid asking me these questions, but it definitely still happens, whether that's from family members, older friends or acquaintances asking whether I've found 'the right person yet'. Even so, I consistently get asked whether I'm still not dating currently and why, after explaining countless times that I'm just not. period. It's either this, or comments about my apparent 'unlucky' nature when it comes to dating; which ironically occurs to me now, I have never used that word in relation to a man's dating life before.
So is it them, or is it my fault for choosing them?
I do feel as though, maybe controversially, that some women settle and accept a form of love that is right in front of them to appease and comfort this feeling, the void is constantly filled because they're scared and unable to confront it as empty. At least they have someone there, even though they’re not exactly what they want, or are treating in the manner they should be.
Verdict
My verdict to the question is yes. I think many women, at some point in their lives, question either their desirability, their ability to maintain a relationship or blame themselves for a repeated pattern of disappointing behaviour from men. And whilst I'm not saying that men don't ever look inward to also question these things about themselves; I will say the societal narrative set, the questions asked and conversations had, regarding women, are ultimately much harsher.